Have you ever been talking to someone who might seem to be listening—and is really just formulating how they want to respond? Maybe they jump in to argue, advise, “solve” a problem you never presented, or guide the conversation toward their own agenda.
Most of us have experienced this. Many of us have “listened” in this way. We are often conditioned to feel valuable when we help or fix. Actually, true listening requires something very different. True listening is about presence, attention, and curiosity, not reaction.
I train professional coaches to the standards, core competencies, and ethics of the International Coaching Federation. One thing that distinguishes my approach is helping people understand how to listen as a whole-person experience. I often say, “I teach people to listen with their eyes.” Ironically—and a little short-sightedly—I realized I was underselling the truth. Listening deeply engages every sense at our disposal—and some we have to cultivate along the way. We listen with our whole selves.
As I have observed:
“Listening is not about hearing the words someone uses; it is about understanding what they mean by what they are saying.” —Claire W. Bamberg
Listening skillfully requires genuine curiosity. Curiosity is not about fixing, leading, or directing. It is a disciplined openness: suspending assumptions, asking questions to understand, and creating space where the speaker feels truly heard. Questions like:
- “What does that word or experience mean to you?”
- “How do you experience that?”
- “Can you tell me more about that moment?”
Engaging the senses while listening helps you gather insight beyond words:
Eyes – Notice the speaker’s posture, gestures, facial expressions, and, in groups, spatial relationships. Watch who positions themselves near whom, who leans in, and how dynamics shift as the conversation unfolds.
Face – Observe how people respond when others are speaking: smiles, frowns, raised eyebrows, or glances can reveal unspoken reactions and emotions.
Ears – Listen beyond words. In a group, notice who interrupts, who speaks loudly or repeatedly, who stays silent or deferential. Pay attention to tone, speed, inflection, and repeated words, which can reveal priorities, emotion, and engagement.
Body – Notice how you, the listener, position and use your own body to support attention and presence. Leaning slightly forward, maintaining an open posture, grounding yourself in a stable stance, and consciously slowing your movements can help signal attentiveness and foster connection. Your body becomes an instrument of listening.
Intuition – Pay attention to your gut responses and subtle impressions. Intuition is a sense developed through practice and reflection. It helps you detect discrepancies between what is said and what is felt, without assuming or judging.
Energy – Notice the emotional climate of the room or conversation. Energy flows between people and can signal engagement, tension, or alignment. In groups, observe how energy shifts as different voices speak and how it influences participation and attention.
Filters – Check your assumptions. When you find yourself thinking, “That means…,” pause. Ask instead, “What does that mean to you?”
Listening well is a skill requiring courage, patience, and practice. When guided by genuine curiosity and full engagement of your senses, it transforms ordinary conversation into profound connection—whether one-on-one or in a group setting.
